Why John No Longer Teases Sherlock About the Solar System
by Ennui Enigma
Summary: Just your basic primary school astrophysics... (One-shot. Read at your own risk. Liable to induce grey matter inflation.)


**A/N: Inspired by a recent email with a friend who apparently thinks I'm much smarter than I really am. He keeps me humble.**

**Disclaimer: Don't own. Don't profit. Excessive geek-inducing data included.**

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"Is it really true you don't know that the earth orbits around the sun?" D.I. Lestrade asked with an incredulous expression while Sherlock and John huddled over the latest victim at a crime scene.

"Don't tell me you too, Lestrade, have been reading John's blog?!" The dark haired detective raised his eyes momentarily. He was not exactly impressed by the last comment. "Fairy tales… romantic prose and sweeping sentiment…" he mumbled to the dead corpse.

"He says it has to do with retaining only the pertinent information," John looked up at Lestrade and the rest of the forensics crew. He stood up and stretched his bent form.

"But the planetary orbits…" Lestrade shook his head in amazement.

John shrugged. "Who can tell what really goes on in that funny head of his?"

"Just because I don't care about the solar orbits doesn't mean I've gone deaf." Sherlock shuffled round the corpse on the floor for a closer examination of the left fingernails. "And for your information, I've often wondered the same in regards to the lot of you."

"Yeah, well, anyway, Sherlock," Lestrade shifted his stance a bit uncomfortably. "Did you find anything?"

"Why certainly," Sherlock smiled with more than a hint of sarcasm. "I believe I've found out everything. That is my job."

"And?" Lestrade brought out his notebook to jot down the details.

"But first, allow me ask you question," the slender detective squatted and looked up at Lestrade, John, and Sally with Anderson lurking in the corner. "This applies to all of you since you all feel the planetary orbits are so essential."

Sally stepped behind Anderson and looked a tiny bit uncomfortable.

Sherlock continued. "You most certainly know, since you've studied the planetary forces that contribute to the gravitational pull and unique orbits of the planets round the sun, all about Newtonian physics, right?"

John nodded hesitantly. He wondered where this was going but he had a sneaking suspicion he wasn't going to like it.

"Newton did an amazing amount of work in developing mathematical formulas to predict motion. However, his formulas only really accurately apply to a static frame of reference which doesn't actually exist in a reality of planets whirling round solar systems and galaxies." He raised his eyebrows significantly at Lestrade. "For example, even this body is moving, whizzing along as the universe is in constant motion."

The D.I.'s mouth gaped open and he merely nodded ever so slightly in agreement. _How did they suddenly move from dead body to Newtonian physics!_

Undeterred, Sherlock raised a hand to stop any interruptions. "I might as well finish."

He took another breath. "Now Einstein and other early 20th century mathematicians looked at things from a purely mathematical perspective. Much cleaner that way. Takes out fallible human intuition." He nodded in approval. "Einstein's formulaic explanations of relatively applied from all frames of reference and observation dissolving Newtonian mechanics on the macro scale and also explaining how the properties of the observable phenomena are relative to the location and speed of the observer, without which, we would be entirely lost in this day and age."

He took out his mobile and tapped in a search. "His concepts of relativity are the only reason a GPS can be accurate to within a 50 foot radius. Ten feet for people in the government like my brother," he grumbled this last bit under his breath with more than a pinch of envy.

The forensics team stood utterly still. They were still trying to compute who unplugged this deluge of astronomical knowledge from Sherlock, the man who didn't know the earth rotated round the sun. Impossible!

"Now, as I'm sure you are aware, there is the wave-particle duality theory which, while somewhat abstract," Sherlock cocked his head up at his audience with a smirk, "though abstract, some idiots have managed to create two different mathematical ways of relating the same thing. You may remember back in basic primary school – it is simple school kid knowledge – that since linear mathematical equations were insufficient to handle the complex functions of the wave-particle interaction that tenser calculus was born."

Sherlock smiled as his phone beeped with an incoming text. He gave his audience, still frozen in a different time zone, a devious smirk. "I will assume you are still with me though your vacant expressions would testify to the contrary."

Sally and Anderson closed their mouths to indicate that they were still alive.

"Anyway, not to make this too complicated," Sherlock waved his hand dismissively, "Calculus is a powerfully complex tool. Non-approximation solutions only exist for the simplest of systems. Every wave function has a real and an imaginary part that literally uses the square root of negative one as part of its solution. There are known equations for only the simplest of elements like hydrogen and helium. Above that and the formulas explode into complex thought experiments involving dead cats in cardboard boxes and the like."

John stared at his flatmate. What had he missed?! Clearly he'd missed something, again. He shook his head in bewildered wonder.

"Of course," the detective continued almost apologetically, " you have your third generation mathematicians and physicists arising in the late 70's an 80's with all their alternate explanations of the universe utilising such ideas as string theory and such forth. Perhaps you recall the picture of Steven Hawking being stretched to infinity as he crosses the boundary layer of a black hole?"

He stared pointedly as his audience who still hadn't uttered a word. In uniform, they all shook their heads to the negative.

"Oh. Well." Sherlock gave another approving nod at his mobile as a second text arrived. "I'm behind the times on this topic. I only tend to keep up on the pertinent aspects that I deem useful for my work." He shrugged.

John cleared his throat. "Um… Sherlock, how does all this apply to your work?"

"Clear as day, John. Can't you see?" The detective's face registered genuine surprise.

"No, Sherlock," John said firmly. "I believe we've discussed this before. Enlighten the rest of us."

"What must it be like in those funny little brains of yours," Sherlock gave them a singular quirk of his eyebrows.

"Sherlock –" John said warningly.

"Right. Fine. John. From the pattern of the blood splatter and the depth and angle of the entry wound, taking into account the gravitational pull of the earth on the bullet and blood, one can see that the shooter stood over there and used a small calibre handgun." Sherlock pointed to the far corner where Anderson and Sally suddenly did a sideways shuffle.

"And utilising the triangulation of points fixed relative to each other in a gyrating galaxy, I've GPS'd the murderer running toward Twickenham Street and Friars Avenue. I expect you can catch him in two minutes and fifty-four seconds if you send your police unit that is sitting at Parkfield Avenue and Long Street now."

"Brilliant!" John gasped under his breath. "Amazing."

Sally and Anderson fled the room with an embarrassed glance behind them.

Lestrade just stared at the man that he knew was talented and hopefully, under all the arrogance, good.

"Just your simple basic astrophysics." Sherlock flipped the lapels of his coat up and stalked off the crime scene before anyone could see the secretly pleased smile on his lips.

And THAT is why Dr. John Watson no longer makes fun of Sherlock's persistent deletion of what he deems worthless information.

* * *

"His ignorance was as remarkable as his knowledge." - John Watson referring to Sherlock Holmes in STUD

"I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it. Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out the useful ones." Sherlock Holmes in A Study in Scarlet by ACD.


End file.
